1. The Principle Attitude to be adopted.
It is not easy to list down in the right chronology, the things that I’ve learned throughout my ordeal, as they involved various time spans. So I will try my best to arrange them according to what I think is best. Honestly, I do not have too much time to think about the strategy to write this article. So please forgive me for all the shortcomings.
I will start with what I term as “TheAttitude” to be adopted when facing a situation like mine. This is important as it will determine your next course of actions.
1.1 “Have a Strong Will to Fight it!”
When I was told that I had choroidal melanoma in my right eye, and the best solution was to remove the eyeball completely (enucleation), I was really in a total state of confusion. This was because while all the medical doctors advised me to go for an enucleation immediately, my close relatives and friends said that there existed alternative medications that could help remove or reduce the tumor size, citing several personally known cases, and advising me that I should give time to try them out.
But every one of them shared one particular common principle, that “You must have a strong will to fight this cancer”. In other words, I should do whatever necessary to fight the cancer not only from the physical treatment point of view (surgery, chemotherapy, alternative medications and supplements, etc.), but also from the emotional, mental and spiritual point of view (positive thinking, meditation, constant prayers and supplications to Allah swt for recovery, constantly reciting certain verses of the Quran and some shalawat related to Asy-Syifa’,etc).
I subscribed to this idea that is to “fight this cancer from all aspects mentioned above”. I used my granted Grace Period 1 from Allah swt, to try all other kinds of alternative treatments that I could find. I spent a lot of money going from one place to another for treatments, etc., hoping that the cancer could be reduced or at least controlled from further growth.
I also used this same period to “fight the cancer” from the spiritual, emotional and mental point of view by increasing my daily Quranic readings and night prayers, crying in front of Allah swt while asking for His mercy for my recovery, constantly reciting the recommended Quranic verses and shalawat, meditation, and so many others.
Nevertheless despite all these efforts, I could se that the cancer was still growing (remember, the cancer was in my eye, so I could see the spot that was affecting my vision becoming larger and larger). At the time when the artificial eye was available (end of Grace Period 1), I could see that there was no improvement, which meant that I had no more reasons to ask for further postponement.
It was also becoming too risky, i.e. the gap was becoming narrower between the cancer spot and the main inlet/outlet for the eye, where the main blood vessels are, i.e. the blind spot. So I decided to proceed with the enucleation, convincing myself that this was what Allah had wanted. I forced myself to “redha” (true acceptance) with Allah’s decision, as that was the only choice I had in order to overcome my frustration.
As you know, more than one and a half years later I got the news that I have metastic cancer. It was a big blow to me when I received the news. Before this I was about to lose my eye, and now I am about to lose my life.
I spent a considerable amount of time pondering about all these things that I had gone through and about to go through. I also prayed to Allah swt for His Guidance, as I was not sure what was going to happen to me and what I was supposed to do. I already had the experience fighting the eye cancer before in which I had failed and that had caused me a little bit depression. So I was not sure now if I could really go through it all over again fighting even more severely for something which is more crucial-my life.
But Alhamdulillah, Allah swt then helped me “see things” I had never “seen” before. I suddenly realized that my ordeal while facing the eye cancer problem actually contained lessons, helping me to face my second ordeal, the possibility of losing my life. The lessons are:
· The fact that I could not save my eye despite all the efforts I made physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, reminds me that none of my body parts actually belong to me. They are all merely “lent” to me by Allah swt. Before this, I only understood this fact “theoretically”, now I am experiencing it for real.
· When Allah swt had willed to take away my eye, nothing could stop this decision. So what makes me think now that I can stop Allah swt if He decides to take away my life?
· Throughout Grace Period 1, I never knew what Allah swt’s final decision would be for my eye until I discovered that it was too risky to postpone the enucleation. So, was adopting the “fighting the cancer” attitude, especially from spiritual point of view, really worth it? what I discovered was that I was still having some feelings of disappointment at times, as if Allah swt did not answer my prayers despite all the spiritual efforts that I made. These were the whispers of syaitan, who continuously try to divert mankind away from Allah swt
All the above now contribute to a very important lesson in my life, which is as follows:
The advice to “Have a strong will to fight cancer from all aspects of life(Physical, Emotional, Mental and Spiritual)” could actually be a very dangerous attitude for a Muslim to adopt. I was lucky I had that first experience, and the thing I was fighting for was only to save my eye. But what if at that time, I was actually fighting for my life? What if while I was fighting for my life suddenly I discovered that the angle of death was now in front of me about to take my life away?
I could have died while being displeased with Allah swt’s decision to take away my life; because I had made a lot of efforts, prayers and supplication to Him but yet it would seem then as though H e had not answered any of my prayers (na’udzubillah). Had I died in this situation, i.e. with the feeling of displeasure to Allah swt, do you think Allah swt would be pleased with me?
I therefore realized that the attitude to “Have a strong will to fight cancer from all aspects of life” is definitely a wrong and dangerous attitude for me to adopt, especially now when I am about to lose my life due to this metastic cancer.
So what attitude to adopt?
End of part two…
p/s: What is the most precious thing that I’ve stated before? Find it next month it this blog, insya Allah
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